Restless feeling !

Restless feeling! what are you?
unspoken wish or desire suppressed
a dream unshaped or hope not met

Confused I am, a string attached?
is it the reason or conflicts there are
difficult to understand, whatever it is

Thoughts abound, though tough to utter
heart stirred deep, but yet unfurled
like a pebble just thrown, in water still

Restless feeling! what are you?
how to bury the intruder unknown
show a way out, or reveal yourself.

moving inches..

Strange it may sound, but sometime extreme situations in life can have unpredictable effects. You might get numb to adversities or might start drawing strength from them. Though, it’s not a matter of choice most of the time as our situation driven thoughts prevalently mold our state of mind. However, sometime our soul takes the call too, and not based on any kind of impression or random thought, but on pure instinct and the tiny positive light within us.

There were thoughts and experiences, I wanted to capture in ‘meaningful and explicit ways’ (read words) since last few weeks. But my inner conflict and nonchalant mind were incapable of holding onto indifferent thoughts. Not that I was awestruck by this state of mind, but didn’t realized it until I reached its extreme. But then, like stock market, there is a self recovery mode for human soul as well; for me, it luckily was. While I might not able to do justice with the promise I did to myself in this post, I think an attempt sounds better than trying.Thus here I am, moving inches towards the effort due on me.

phir kya hoga uske baad

Life’s rat race can really leave you wondering about the very purpose of it. One evening, sharing the same sentiments, a close friend and I went for an evening walk to get some fresh air. That’s our boy way of getting relived from a mounting tension or a bad day. In due course of our long chat we both became a little philosophical about the life. Various stages of life or whatever we have done or doing or will be doing and the very purpose behind it.  It seemed that we are betraying ourselves with the way we have chosen our directions in life. We realize that our passion is different from our bread and butter, but may be what we curse liabilities or responsibilities for, could have been lack of choices in early stages.    

However, monthly package and luxurious life could be an illusion initially, but you can’t keep bribing your soul forever. Sooner or later it just takes few emotionally weak moments to make you realize that what you are doing with your life. Was this you always wanted for yourself? Or does whatever you do makes you happy? Or where does this all ends? It not only about work, but also about fulfilling expectation and obligations throughout our lives.  What makes mind volatile is the fact that we don’t even know where it ends? On the same note my friend recalled a Kavita (Hindi poem) we have read in our school days. We couldn’t recall the exact lines but we knew it was very relevant to our situation in life today. I made it a point to search the same old poem. Sharing the same poem in next few lines, which was beautifully written by Balkrishna Rao. In this poem, an anxious boy is asking his mom about life and what it holds for him.

Utsuk ho kar shishu ne puchha,
'Maa, kya hoga uske baad ?'

Ravi se ujjval, shashi se sundar,
nav-kislay dal se komaltar
vadhu tumhare ghar aayegi
us vivaah utsav ke baad

Pal bhar mukh par smiti rekha
khel gayi phir maa ne dekha
vadhu tumhare ghar aayegi
us vivaah utsav ke baad

Phir nabh se nakshatra manohar
swarg lok se utar utar kar
tere shishu banne ko mere
ghar aayenge uske baad

Mere naye khiloune lekar
chale na jaayein ve apne ghar
chintit ho kar uthha, kintu phir
puchha shishu ne uske baad ?

Ab maa ka jee oob chuka thha
harsh shranti mein doob chuka thha
boli phir mai boodhi ho kar
mar jaoongi uske baad

Ye sun kar bhar aaye lochan
kintu ponchh kar unhein usi kshan
sahaj kautuhal se phir shishu ne puchha,
maa kya hoga uske baad

Kavi ko balak ne sikhlaya
sukh dukh hai pal bhar ki maya
hai anant tatwa ka prashna ye
phir kya hoga uske baad?

One lost soul

I didn’t have any respite yet; as I walked back to my flat, feeling a potential explosion inside. It was already dark when I left my room for a walk; to get away from my gloomy state I was in that Sunday evening; and in the hope that fresh air might do the trick.

I walked towards the main street with a heavy heart and glum face, hoping that a few more step could help me regain my composure. It was one of those moments when my mind was a silent spectator as I could sense that I absolutely had no thoughts whatsoever. Though, my heart was in a capricious state. While the subconscious me kept walking down the main street, I came to senses by a near miss accident as I was about to be run over by two parallel running cars. For safety, I came off the main street and tried to gather my thoughts.

In next few minutes my mind started functioning and I could make out few reasons for this hibernation i.e. what my status was. I realized that a tensed mind is a far better situation then a lost soul. I knew that I was manipulating human behaviors; anger, frustration and loneliness- yes, these are mounting inside me by every passing day. I couldn’t throw them out, neither could I share. And most of the time it seemed inappropriate or immature to pour this depression to someone else. On top of this, belonging to youth fraternity has its own disadvantage. Self- centered, impatience and materialistic nature - these comes as by product. So by this context I had to suppress my desire and interest too, under the bricks of expectations, responsibility and sacrifice.

Though I was reluctant to listen to this inner selfish me, but somewhere deep down I had sympathy with it too. I was having so much in my heart to say, but nothing but a silence in return. And silence as I have learned to live with; I admit, is a lost companion itself. It just helps in keeping you isolated when you are a depressed soul and an agitated mind. Silence is no remedy. And to me, it is nothing but a speed breaker or a comma which keeps a talk or exchange of words in suspending state. It helps avoiding conflicts but does even worse; it makes one pretend that nothing happened and tries to put a lid on one’s volcanic state of mind. People might say It’s a better then “practically no communication” but what we don’t know is that the silence slowly starts growing inside us and sometime gets bigger than us and our relationships.

Rest …...later…….as I am still learning to live with it, in the hope to fight and win over it.