Sleepless at 19000 ft.

Life sometimes takes a sudden turn when you least expect it. From the onset, when you look at it as an observer, a strange feeling engulfs you.

This was probably my longest air journey so far. I had to take flight from Singapore to Bangkok and then connecting flight to Bangalore. My stopover of about 4 hours didn't leave me an option to see the city and hence I decided to pass the time in airport lounges. Last minute packing and the previous night gathering with friend had left me sleep deprived already. But when I reached Suvarnabhumi airport and had a cursory glance on few of the lounges, I found the ambience quite dull. Changed my plan and decided to window shop at airport duty free shops. At least that would keep me awake. To my surprise the newly built airport had plenty to keep me busy for next 4 hours.

When my flight boarded from Bangkok for Bangalore, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. An array of different scenes flashed through my closed eyes. I changed the audio channel, and rested on the one playing a soothing instrumental music. As I closed my eyes in the shelter of music, random scenes started flashing again. For a moment I tried running after those scenes which were a collection of known faces and past events. I breathed deeply and tried to capture those flashing visuals in captions.  Soon thereafter I could clearly figure out those visuals were nothing but a fast forward of my own life and its experience. Somewhat similar to a trailer from movie DhobyGhat.  

I could see these captions along with faces and events. It was difficult as they were fast and random but there were few repeating ones - career, family, friends, love, relationships and their form - in past and now, celebrations, partying-away, smiling and worried faces, words, faces showing feelings and expressions and the change in people and in particular myself. I took a mental note of those visuals on my flight TG305 to Bangalore - 19000 ft above ground and here am I putting it on writing.

While I was pondering over these thoughts, I realized that there is no fun without your loved once irrespective of wherever you go. Happiness is in sharing. At this point I thought of meeting friends in next week and family thereafter. A sense of excitement took over me. I instantly got filled with joy by the sheer thought of meeting close ones.

A week in Bangalore was expected to be exciting and fun filled - meeting friends, re-leaving good times and full of laughter. For the most part it turned different - there were surprise, bitter and cold, waiting. Rather than a time to cherish the last few days it became a difficult parting time. A few relations went south; gave me a hint that I was not invited at this phase of their lives. Priorities in lives were changed and so were friends. Even a last attempt to say goodbye was not entertained. This was also the time which forced me to see friendship and relationship in a different light. I got to know that our expectation from relationship is our biggest disappointer. I think I am learning the hard way. 

Random frames of human nature

A foreword - Please forgive me for my random, unplanned and illogical flow in this post, as the way life is sometimes - hazy, weird and restless. And this is me trying to recall and put together few thoughts, feelings, observations and hard learning.

Life doesn’t treat us same always; while there are spring and autumn, there is dark cold winter too. But then, that’s life. It has its own way of making us realize worth of everything (or everyone) it gives or snatches away from us.

There is nothing complex than a human behavior. Recollecting some random frames I could capture, and an attempt to look at them from a critic point of view.

Glorifying problems: We all crib about our problems. Be it health, job, relationship, situations or wherever we found circumstances not favorable to us. Yes, we are human and we do have our share of problems and issues.  Sometimes we brave them, but mostly, we crib. Surprisingly, to human, what becomes more painstaking than the problem itself is, when others don’t pay much attention to our problems? Everyone has problems in life. True, Life is not a path full of roses. Still, human tendency is to glorify pain and suffering as a unique feat just as victories and achievements. We feel getting consoled and healed if get listened to. No, there is nothing wrong in sharing or discussing problems, but it just start getting worse when the intention behind it is to gain sympathy. In due course, we weaken our inner strength and loose the fighting spirit. Quite a common phenomenon it is, however still, human are pretty obsessed with it. And strangely enough, it is like an addiction. Once you are habituated, you really need to get a recharge of extreme will and positive minds – a rare commodity amidst difficult times.  

Expectations: Our expectations in every walk of life, a strange human behavior. It’s weird but human mind sometime gets obsessed with it. Most of the time it has a strong base on which it grows. More the expectation, more the anxiety. Though, unlike software versions, any upgradation in real life is non reversible, atleast not acceptable easily. Be it life style and your experience with job, relationships etc. Once you have seen best of these it is difficult to accept the degradation. The culprit here is expectation which sets itself at the uppermost level one achieves in life on every front. To be more elaborative - a good work environment, great friend circle and a loving companion and money off course. We need best of everything and are disappointed if expectations are not met on any front

Relationship: Sometime in movies, couple separates because, lack of effervescence in their relationship. They would show, how after an awesome living, comes a time of cribbing, quarrel, conflicts and most awkwardly silence. It is also true that no matter how much hard you try to put things back together, there would be something lacking. In times like this, even the grey shades starts creeping up - anger, frustration and ego. In situations like these, time seems to be the best healer. Parting a distance works to get closer later.    

Response to Change: Strange but how contextual treatment change gets from people. It is never taken in same way always. People might read all sort of motivational books on how one should not get affected by change and adjust fast to it. At the same time anything monotonous seems to kill people, especially in job and day to day life. People mould their likeliness towards it according to need.  Hence, while on one hand a trip or long vacation is all one look for to get a change(read break) from routine life, it is not a desirable  thing when one  is in his/her comfort zone, especially with job, location, friends and food. We don’t accept a change in these things easily and it takes us a long time to adjust.   

Though human nature is quite difficult to understand, it’s the most beautiful and intelligent creation of God. We posses these complex behaviors and can still live with them.  I am no different from others.

Dil, dosti etc.@midnight

After my first interaction with “Quarter life crisis” (read here ), I accidentally read few more articles on it in newspapers. At first, I thought I am being conscious about it but, later came to realization that it’s just the enlightened me who now finds it more realistic and an interesting read.
        My intention in this post is not to elaborate my readings on Quarter life crisis, but to share a recent facet I noticed in context with few of its main catalysts and time when they become active .…………read on!
I used to blame emotional instability one of prime reason for Quarter life crisis, which indeed, it still is, but my perception has taken a whole new dimension in light of few real life examples. Above all, I wonder if our emotional quotient increases at midnight or it’s the darkness or emptiness of night which gives us courage to speak our heart out.
             “Life is boring without girlfriend/boyfriend”, I heard this monotonic line from a lot of friends (mainly its boys who says this, trust me folks - girls have lot more choices). A majority of them think- having company of an opposite sex in your life is the only way out from depression. I felt this quite convincing and compulsive a reason to start believing until few behavioural examples broadened my thinking and stopped me to jump into any premature conclusions.
First one, a friend calling @ 12 am. She had a huge fight with her boy friend that evening and is upset. You are the one she will call and would like to get listen and get consoled. No one else at this time can fill in for you. Not only when fought, even if she is depressed or not in good mood; you wonder what is it that makes her feels you will have answers for all her worries (and foul cry at times ). You become an emotional pillar on many such instances when she wakes you up at midnight.
               Another one, an old friend staying with her girl friend in live-in relationship calls you up @ 2 am and says he is missing you a lot. You equally cherish his friendship and can be nostalgic about good old times, but wait a min – you know he lives in same city and just a call away. So what is this guy really doing at this hour? As you suspected , turned out- the guys is boozing and finds you more appropriate to share his worries and craps till wee hours in the morning.
             Take examples of a school friend, who had been into a perfect relationship for long time but got betrayed. He gets emotional at times and calls at night to just talk and share his heart-burn. The same guy will hang-out with you tomorrow, screaming at top of his voice on any party number. Not because he is not the same guy but because his emotional quotient isn’t that high this time.
                             I am no different here. At times, I get lost into memories- of good times … college life, night outs with friends and hang outs with lady luck. But, I do realize that emotional instability can’t be attributed to one single reason. Human nature is very unpredictable and so is our heart, when it long for emotional stability to compensate for any void created due to past memories or any unfulfilled dreams or hopes. Though, now I know that, the factors that trigger sense of emotional instability are different for every person at different point of time but, I really wonder … what prevails our thoughts and why.....and above all-  why @ midnight?