One lost soul

I didn’t have any respite yet; as I walked back to my flat, feeling a potential explosion inside. It was already dark when I left my room for a walk; to get away from my gloomy state I was in that Sunday evening; and in the hope that fresh air might do the trick.

I walked towards the main street with a heavy heart and glum face, hoping that a few more step could help me regain my composure. It was one of those moments when my mind was a silent spectator as I could sense that I absolutely had no thoughts whatsoever. Though, my heart was in a capricious state. While the subconscious me kept walking down the main street, I came to senses by a near miss accident as I was about to be run over by two parallel running cars. For safety, I came off the main street and tried to gather my thoughts.

In next few minutes my mind started functioning and I could make out few reasons for this hibernation i.e. what my status was. I realized that a tensed mind is a far better situation then a lost soul. I knew that I was manipulating human behaviors; anger, frustration and loneliness- yes, these are mounting inside me by every passing day. I couldn’t throw them out, neither could I share. And most of the time it seemed inappropriate or immature to pour this depression to someone else. On top of this, belonging to youth fraternity has its own disadvantage. Self- centered, impatience and materialistic nature - these comes as by product. So by this context I had to suppress my desire and interest too, under the bricks of expectations, responsibility and sacrifice.

Though I was reluctant to listen to this inner selfish me, but somewhere deep down I had sympathy with it too. I was having so much in my heart to say, but nothing but a silence in return. And silence as I have learned to live with; I admit, is a lost companion itself. It just helps in keeping you isolated when you are a depressed soul and an agitated mind. Silence is no remedy. And to me, it is nothing but a speed breaker or a comma which keeps a talk or exchange of words in suspending state. It helps avoiding conflicts but does even worse; it makes one pretend that nothing happened and tries to put a lid on one’s volcanic state of mind. People might say It’s a better then “practically no communication” but what we don’t know is that the silence slowly starts growing inside us and sometime gets bigger than us and our relationships.

Rest …...later…….as I am still learning to live with it, in the hope to fight and win over it.